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VOL. XVI ▪ NO. 2 ▪ POST-DRAFT EDITION ▪ FREE. WORTH LESS.
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THE
POST
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The Print Arm of Niffle Radio — "All The News That Fits, We Print Anyway"
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| EXCLUSIVE ▪ Association Member Drafts Abolished Position ▪ Ninth Overall |
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THE TIGHT
END
MASSACRE
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The position was abolished in June. Sixteen men were told. At least five of them drafted like nobody had said anything.
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| By CHIP HARDAWAY ▪ Senior Correspondent, Niffle Radio |
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In June, this league voted to eliminate the tight end position. On September 3rd, with the ninth pick in the first round, Casey Miller drafted a tight end.
Brock Bowers. Forty-four seconds of deliberation. The number two tight end in football, taken ninth overall, in a league where the tight end slot no longer exists on the roster page — a rule change published on the league website, distributed in the lottery deck, and voted on by a body of which Mr. Miller is a sitting member.
Four players drafted after him project higher. De'Von Achane went four picks later and projects eighty-four more points. Then, in the seventh round, he drafted George Kittle. A second tight end. He is starting one and benching the other, which is the correct decision and also an admission.
He was not alone. Belichick My Balls took Trey McBride in the third. Seattle took Colston Loveland in the third. And in the twelfth round, San Carlos Danger auto-picked Jake Ferguson and Hunter Henry back to back — two tight ends, zero seconds each, because Rich Gallina was not at his own draft.
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1-800-STILL-LOST ▪ WE ANSWER. WE CAN'T HELP.
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Page 2 ▪ The First Round
THE PICK THAT
WASN'T HIS
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I wrote in this space last month that Brian Goldstein won the second overall pick in the lottery and does not own the second overall pick. Here is how that resolved.
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1.02 JA'MARR CHASE WR
The Ron Mexico Experience — via Bear Jew |
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1.08 JOSH ALLEN QB 387 PROJ
The Ron Mexico Experience — own pick |
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Corey Kennedy, who finished thirteenth, who went 0–3 in his own division, whose 2025 I described as a wagon catching fire, walked to the podium with a pick he did not earn and took the third-best receiver in football. Six picks later he took Josh Allen — more projected points than any other player in the first round by a margin of over a hundred.
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Corey's first round: Ja'Marr Chase and Josh Allen. Brian's first round: he did not have one.
His first pick came at 2.02 and it was George Pickens. The man with the best all-time record in league history now owns four picks in the eighth round and nothing above the second. He used one of them on Dontayvion Wicks — the ninety-ninth wide receiver.
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Page 3 ▪ The Debut
THE NEW GUY DRAFTED LIKE A MAN WITH A DINNER RESERVATION
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Kevin Vendeland took Christian McCaffrey first overall in the time it takes most of you to read a projection. Then Chris Olave in ten seconds. Jayden Daniels in seven. A defense in the seventh round in six seconds. Harrison Butker in the eleventh in three.
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Kevin's entire draft — all thirteen picks — took less deliberation than Casey Miller spent on Troy Franklin, a single tenth-round pick that consumed two minutes and twenty-seven seconds, the longest of the night, for the sixty-sixth-ranked receiver.
One note for the new man, delivered without malice: McCaffrey projects 281.9 points. Derrick Henry, still on the board eleven picks later, projects 282.4. You used the first overall selection on the second-best running back available at the first overall selection.
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SAN CARLOS DANGER: A MISSING PERSON REPORT
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| 10.11 KAYSHON BOUTTE queued |
| 11.06 ODELL BECKHAM JR. queued, 1 sec |
| 12.11 JAKE FERGUSON TE auto-picked |
| 12.12 HUNTER HENRY TE auto-picked |
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Odell Beckham Jr. In 2026. The hundred-and-thirtieth wide receiver. Forty-four projected points across the entire season. Somewhere in the fourth quarter of his own draft, Rich stopped being a participant and became a spectator to software. The Association should confirm he is alive.
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Page 5 ▪ The Awards
THE HONOURS
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Best Pick
4TH AND SCHLONG ▪ JAHMYR GIBBS, 2ND-ROUND KEEPER
The number one running back in football, 367 projected points, retained for a second-round pick. It required two men to accomplish, but they accomplished it.
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Best 13th-Rounder
4TH AND SCHLONG ▪ JOE BURROW
A 338-point quarterback for a thirteenth-round pick. Ballhogz did nearly the same with Trevor Lawrence, Oregon Dicks with Jaxson Dart. Five teams are starting a top-thirteen quarterback that cost them a pick most leagues waste on a punter.
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Worst Pick
NEW HAVEN SAC DOGS ▪ KALEB JOHNSON (10.05)
Ten point six projected points. Not per game. All year. Max Newton spent a tenth-round pick on a man projected to score less than a kicker scores in one afternoon.
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Runner-Up
BELICHICK MY BALLS ▪ CARNELL TATE (4.10)
A fourth-round pick on the sixty-first-ranked receiver. Paul, we discussed this.
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The "Did You Read The Rules" Award
OREGON DICKS
See the front page. See all of it.
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Quietest Draft
CLEVELAND STEAMERS
Dan Corcoran had exactly one eligible keeper and let him go. Then drafted Puka Nacua, Rashee Rice, Jared Goff and Travis Kelce and said nothing to anyone. Fifteen years of this. He will finish 8–6.
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THE PART NOBODY WILL SAY OUT LOUD
Every one of last year's eight playoff teams kept an elite player in the second round. Gibbs. Bijan Robinson. Jonathan Taylor. Puka Nacua. Amon-Ra St. Brown. Jaxon Smith-Njigba. CeeDee Lamb. Omarion Hampton.
Eight lottery teams kept nobody in the second round, because they were not allowed to.
The rules did that. The rules are working exactly as written. But when the eight teams that were already good all start with a first-round talent at a second-round price, and the eight teams that were already bad start with George Pickens, it is worth asking aloud what the lottery is actually for.
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Page 8 ▪ The Slate
WEEK ONE
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SHANAHAN'S DRIVING SCHOOL AT OREGON DICKS
The new man against the worst offense in recorded league history — and CBS makes Casey a 61% favorite. Projected 104.8 to 92.2. Chip's pick: Oregon Dicks, and I hate it.
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4TH AND SCHLONG AT BALLHOGZ
The exact rematch of last year's wild card, in which Ballhogz won 147.3 to 88. Gibbs against the defending champion. Pick: Ballhogz.
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FAVRE'S BIG PIC AT THE BEAR JEW
Two-thirds of The Association, opening weekend. Harrison finished fifteenth; Brian has the best record in league history and no first-round pick. Somebody has to lose and both of them process trades. Pick: Bear Jew.
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SEATTLE SEACOCKS AT BELICHICK MY BALLS
Last year's runner-up against a 2–12 team. Pick: Seacocks, comfortably.
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NEW HAVEN SAC DOGS AT NEW ENGLAND SKINFLUTIES
Three championships and a losing record against one championship from 2011. Pick: Sac Dogs.
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WINDERMERE WIZARD SLEEVES AT WASHINGTON FORESKINS
Chris Bubnich, whose only two contributions to the draft chat were a greeting typed in Korean and, three minutes later, a single exclamation point, opens against a man who owns the single-game scoring record and a losing career mark. Pick: Wizard Sleeves.
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CLEVELAND STEAMERS AT SAN CARLOS DANGER
Assuming Rich has been located. Pick: Steamers.
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BERMUDA TRIANGLES AT THE RON MEXICO EXPERIENCE
The team that allowed the most points in league history against the team holding Ja'Marr Chase and Josh Allen. Pick: Ron Mexico, and it may not be close.
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NOW WITH EXTRA STEAM ▪ PLEASE OPEN A WINDOW
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NEXT ISSUE: Week 1 results. The first $100 payout. The inaugural Bonehead of the Week, awarded for the worst lineup decision in the league — and I will be counting the points left on every bench in the building. Somebody is going to start a player on a bye before October. I will find him too.
The Niffle Post ▪ Chip Hardaway ▪ theniffle.com ▪ All rumors printed as fact
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