VOL. XVI ▪ NO. 15 ▪ WEEK SEVEN RECAP ▪ FREE. WORTH LESS. |
THE  POST |
The Print Arm of Niffle Radio — "All The News That Fits, We Print Anyway" |
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| EXCLUSIVE ▪ Commissioner Benches The Winning Points ▪ Back In Last Place ▪ 4th And Schlong Finally Lose |
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BACK IN
THE
BASEMENT |  |
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Washington played the entire week without a defence in their lineup and still beat the commissioner by 2.41. The commissioner had the difference on his bench. He is 2–5 and the Laske again. |
| By CHIP HARDAWAY ▪ Senior Correspondent, Niffle Radio |
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Last week this paper ran the headline “Kicked Upstairs,” about the commissioner getting out of last place. It lasted seven days. Washington beat Oregon Dicks 106.20 to 103.79. Derrick Chafin did it with eight starters. He fixed last week’s kicker-on-a-bye problem at 11:01 Sunday morning by signing Jake Bates, and then left his defence slot empty. The Chiefs defence scored 0.4 on his bench. He won anyway, behind Zay Flowers (23.7), C.J. Stroud (20.5), Omar Cooper Jr. (20.0) and Jonathan Taylor (18.0). |
| 8.0 CHUBA HUBBARD started at RB; acquired Wednesday for Drake London | | 10.85 TYRONE TRACY JR. on the bench; $29 on Thursday | | 18.6 CAM SKATTEBO started in the flex, finally | | -0.46 TITANS DST $22 on Thursday | | 16.1 DRAKE LONDON scored a TD for 4th and Schlong in his first game |
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Hubbard, the running back the commissioner gave up his first-round pick from August to get, scored 8.0 in his first game. Tyrone Tracy Jr., signed for $29 on Thursday, scored 10.85 on the bench. With Tracy in Hubbard’s spot, Oregon Dicks win by 0.44. Meanwhile Drake London caught a touchdown pass and scored 16.1 for 4th and Schlong, twice what Hubbard managed. The $22 Titans defence allowed 27 points and finished below zero. Dohnte Meyers, signed Thursday morning, was released on Sunday for Darius Cooper, who scored 2.2 on the bench. Cooper is the receiver Ron Mexico released on Thursday to sign a kicker. |
The Laske is back where it started: in the commissioner’s office. Oregon Dicks are 2–5 with 640.2 points, three behind Cleveland (643.2) for fifteenth. Bermuda, last week’s Laske, beat San Carlos and climbed to twelfth. The rulebook says the Laske bleaches his hair. The commissioner wrote the rulebook. The paper is told he will be interpreting it. |
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Crime Desk BONEHEAD OF THE WEEK |
 | CASEY MILLER This award has gone to a Washington manager for starting a defence on a bye and to Paul Wentworth for starting a kicker on one. This week it goes to the man who commissioned the column. He had 10.85 points on his bench and lost by 2.41, a week after trading a first-round receiver for the man he started instead. |
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Advertisement  Back in last place and taking your calls. Callers who suggest Tyrone Tracy Jr. should have started will be thanked, logged and permanently blocked. 1-800-STILL-LOST ▪ SIXTEENTH AND HOLDING |
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Page 2 ▪ The $100 Club SEATTLE, 146.68 |
 | SEACOCKS 146.68, RON MEXICO 111.45 Two weeks ago Chase Meader had scored the fewest points in the league. This week he scored the most, 146.68, and takes the hundred dollars. |
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| 35.0 TONY POLLARD 155 yards, 3 TD | | 26.1 CALEB WILLIAMS 308 yards, 2 TD | | 19.7 AMON-RA ST. BROWN 9 for 152 | | 17.6 JOSH JACOBS TD catch | | 16.4 COLSTON LOVELAND TD catch | | 6.8 JORDAN MASON the $388 claim, on the bench |
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Jordan Mason, signed for $388 on Thursday, scored 6.8 on the bench and was not needed. Neither was Rico Dowdle (11.6 on the bench), whom Seattle picked up for free after Cleveland released him. Spare a thought for Corey Kennedy. His 111.45 was the second-highest score of the week, Geno Smith threw three touchdowns in place of Josh Allen, and Quinshon Judkins scored twice. He lost by 35. Nico Collins, acquired on Tuesday night, scored 1.6. Seattle are 4–3 and the seven seed. Ron Mexico are 3–4 and out. |
Advertisement  We unclog anything. This week it was the scoreboard. Two weeks ago our founder had the fewest points in the league. Today he has $100 and a hat. LICENSED ▪ BONDED ▪ 146.68 |
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Page 3 ▪ The Rest Of It AROUND THE LEAGUE |
 |  | SAC DOGS 100.75, 4TH AND SCHLONG 93.60 The unbeaten are beaten. Joe Burrow threw four touchdowns and scored 36.8, the best individual score of the week, and it was not enough. Spencer Shrader missed from 56 and 48, and the new Jets defence finished below zero. Jameson Williams caught two touchdowns for Max, and Brandon Aubrey hit from 55. 4th and Schlong are 6–1 and still the one seed. The Sac Dogs are 5–2. |
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 |  | BELICHICK 109.75, CLEVELAND 84.60 On Thursday morning this paper listed Paul’s lineup as projected for 57.7, with a receiver on a bye, a receiver on IR and an empty slot. Paul fixed all of it: Saquon Barkley (14.1) and Ollie Gordon (16.8) in, Konata Mumpfield and Tank Dell signed to fill the gaps. Then Drake Maye threw for 321 yards (29.4) and Trey McBride scored 22.1. Paul put up the third-highest score of the week and won by 25. The paper accepts its share of the credit. Cleveland’s Caleb Douglas scored two touchdowns and 20 points on Dan’s bench. |
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 |  | SKINFLUTIES 103.62, FAVRE’S BIG PIC 99.27 Bo Nix threw a 52-yard touchdown, ran one in from 62, and scored 28.1. CeeDee Lamb caught two more. Michael Penix Jr., Jacob’s $101 backup, threw three touchdowns and scored 26.5 on the bench, which is not how you are supposed to use a backup, though it worked out. Harrison signed Baker Mayfield on Saturday night and started him (8.6). Davante Adams started too, and scored zero. Jacob is 3–4 and the five seed. See the Mailbag. |
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 |  | THE BEAR JEW 90.19, SHANAHAN’S 70.85 Kevin moved Jordan Love into the lineup as advised, and Love scored 18.9. Shanahan’s still had the lowest score of the week. Harrison Butker made one field goal and missed from 58 and 45. Kevin watched those misses from field level (see page four). Nick Folk scored 9 on his bench. Dak Prescott threw three touchdowns for Brian (29.2). |
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 |  | BERMUDA 90.85, SAN CARLOS 72.87 Dave re-signed Malachi Fields on Sunday morning to fill last week’s empty slot. Fields is the receiver he released to make room for the $444 Germie Bernard. Fields scored 10.3 and Bernard scored 4.2. Javonte Williams added 21.5. Bryce Young threw two interceptions and scored 3.4, with Kyler Murray (15.9) on the bench. Rich’s only quarterback, Mahomes, scored 4.0. |
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 |  | BALLHOGZ 95.93, WINDERMERE 76.63 Jaxon Smith-Njigba scored 26.8. Ryan Fitzgerald, the kicker Alexey signed on Thursday to replace the kicker he signed to replace McPherson, missed an extra point and scored −1. Brock Purdy threw two interceptions in his Windermere debut (10.0). Chris paid $50 on Saturday for Brenton Strange, who was on a bye, and kept the Bears defence (3.6) on the bench while the Panthers (−3.77) started. |
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Also this week |
| TRADE SKINS ↔ CLE Woody Marks + Cleveland’s ’27 10th for Wan’Dale Robinson + Washington’s ’27 7th, Sunday 10:14 a.m. | | 8.6 WOODY MARKS for Washington, in his first game | | 2.7 WAN’DALE ROBINSON for Cleveland | | COLTS RON MEXICO signed Friday, after Jacob released them; scored 8.85 |
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Advertisement  “Leave your mark.” Twenty points on the bench and a trade on Sunday morning. Management is relaxing. Management has been relaxing for fifteen years. NOW WITH EXTRA STEAM ▪ OPEN A WINDOW | |  “Send it. Delete it. Deny it.” Our founder signed a quarterback at 8:14 p.m. Saturday and lost by 4.35. The call log has been wiped. NO CONTRACT ▪ NO RECORDS ▪ NO COMMENT |
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Page 4 ▪ Spotted THE SCOUTING TRIP |
 | | HARRISON BROWN (LEFT) AND KEVIN VENDELAND (RIGHT), LUMEN FIELD, SUNDAY, NINETY MINUTES BEFORE SEAHAWKS–CHIEFS. |
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Harrison Brown posted this on Sunday afternoon with the caption “Scouting with Shanahan’s Driving School.” The scouting report follows. Kansas City managed one field goal. Kevin’s kicker, Harrison Butker, missed from 58 and 45 in front of them. Harrison’s Seahawks defence scored 4.87. Both men lost their matchups, by a combined 23.69 points. The paper suggests that next time they stay home and set their lineups. |
Letters To The Editor THE MAILBAG |
“My invite must have gotten lost in the mail…” — Dan Corcoran, Cleveland Steamers CHIP REPLIES: Your Travis Kelce was playing in that game, Dan, and he scored 6.4. Caleb Douglas scored 20 on your bench. The invite was the least of what got lost this weekend. | “Harry lip filler won’t make the stash look fuller” — Derrick Chafin, Washington Foreskins CHIP REPLIES: Harrison replied, “Something else under there bud,” with a wink. Derrick responded with one word, which the paper will summarise as the name of his own franchise. The paper considers this a conflict of interest and has asked the Association to review it. The Association includes Harrison. | “League’s on notice.” — Jacob Berman, New England SkinFluties CHIP REPLIES: Jacob is 3–4. He is the five seed on points, and he won this week with 26.5 points sitting on his bench. The league has also been on notice since August that his division does not have a name. Week seven. |
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Page 5 ▪ If It Ended Today THE PLAYOFF PICTURE |
From the commissioner’s official standings. Division leaders take the top four seeds. The three best remaining records take the six, seven and eight seeds. The five seed goes to the most points among everyone left over. |
Division leaders |
| 1 4TH AND SCHLONG 6–1 ▪ 866.1 | | 2 FAVRE’S BIG PIC 5–2 ▪ 804.1 | | 3 NEW HAVEN SAC DOGS 5–2 ▪ 794.9 | | 4 BALLHOGZ 5–2 ▪ 751.9 |
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Wild cards |
| 5 NEW ENGLAND SKINFLUTIES 3–4 ▪ 712.8, most points | | 6 THE BEAR JEW 4–3 ▪ 699.9 | | 7 SEATTLE SEACOCKS 4–3 ▪ 659.2 | | 8 WASHINGTON FORESKINS 4–3 ▪ 755.7 | | OUT RON MEXICO 3–4 ▪ 685.8, first team out |
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The five-seed race: SkinFluties 712.8. Behind them: Shanahan’s 14.3 back, Ron Mexico 27.0, Belichick 38.3, San Carlos 45.9, Cleveland 69.6, the commissioner 72.6, Windermere 76.2, Bermuda 111.3. The quirk: Washington have the fourth-most points in the league (755.7) and are the eight seed, because their 4–3 record gets them in ahead of the points race. Jacob is 3–4 and the five seed. The rules are the rules. The basement: Shanahan’s 698.5, San Carlos 666.9, Cleveland 643.2, Oregon Dicks 640.2. All four are 2–5. |
CHIP’S CARD |
| 1–7 THIS WEEK only the SkinFluties pick came in | | 30–26 SEASON |
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Chip went 1–7. He picked the commissioner, the 6–0 team, and Cleveland against a team projected for 57.7. He is not offering an explanation. He is offering to have his hair bleached in solidarity. |
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NEXT ISSUE: The Week 8 preview. Whether the commissioner starts Tracy. Whether Derrick remembers the defence. Whether 4th and Schlong lose two in a row. Whether Jacob is still on notice, or whether the league is. The Niffle Post ▪ Chip Hardaway ▪ theniffle.com ▪ All rumors printed as fact |
